WINTER IS HERE

    I woke up this morning wanting to write something and my mind became very unsettled. This happens to me a lot these days. I sit alone in this house and now that winter is here, do very little. I feel like I’m bound. There are a number of things I could get going. Projects and things I only do in the winter because the rest of the year I am doing things outside in the yard, garden, or shop. My shop is unheated and only has electricity to the lights, so I am running cords from the outside outlet on the house. Too cold in the winter to work out there.

    I feel bound. Little gets further than being a thought. Oh, the necessities are getting done. Laundry, floors, dishes etc. are all being kept up. Things that have to be done are getting done. Like the tomatoes from the garden that were finally ripe got processed and put away. Then I made up meat pies and froze them. Only because the stew meat I put out to cook was far too much for one or two meals and I had to do something with the left overs. I like meat pies.

    I am doing the odd bit of writing for my blogs, too. But mostly I am just sitting with things spinning around in my brain. I distract myself with television, which I only have in the winter. The rest of the year I am far too busy to be bothered so I don’t subscribe. But that doesn’t really hold my attention either and I end up just staring at it without much recognition of what is happening on the screen.

    My mind is wandering. It wanders, as it does many times, to my son and where is he, and how is he doing? After 20 years would I recognize him if he walked up to me? Why doesn’t he ever contact me? What did I do?

    My mind skips to a much younger me. Thirteen years old, and being held down by a local man and raped.

    Oops, I don’t want to go there. One of many places I don’t like to go.

    I force myself to look around me and be thankful to God for what I see. A little home of my own, my dogs, every little thing that I have that many others don’t. Some days this is a hard process because what I am feeling when I start is definitely NOT thankful. Hurt, rejected, frustrated, poor, stressed that I soon won’t be able to pay my bills. I have not had any work for several months and I need it to supplement my small pension. Looking around and thanking God for what I have helps bring me to a more positive state of mind, but my mind still wanders. Some of these thoughts I would like to get written down, but when I sit down to do it, all of a sudden I go blank.... and my mind commences wandering again.

    It has wandered right into the next morning. I give myself a good talking to. I need to accomplish something. I need to go forward, if only in small steps. I know that I always feel better about everything when I get things done.

    I seem to go through this cyclically. I work incessantly during the spring from March to July or even into August if the summer has not been too hot. I "rest" in the heat and things just get maintained.

    Then canning time, and putting down what I have planted and grown. I work morning to night, resting often and hurting big time by the end of the day. By the end of October most of this is done and the gardens and yard readied for the snowfall we usually get by Oct 31. Once the snow hits, I sit where I am now... it happens every year. But Christmas is coming and, as I have no funds for gifts, I will be making them this year. Something I have done many times in the past. Some is made already... many like a sample of my home canning. I will be getting busy again very soon to get things done. I will enjoy creating, as I always do, whether it be in the wood shop, or painting, or any one of a number of hobbies and crafts.

    I will be moving forward again. Accomplishing things, which always makes me feel good at the end of the day. Even in my unsettledness I am comforted by knowing that this will not last. Nothing is ever static, and things always change. I feel change coming and I will take advantage of this period of rest to prepare.